Break Me Gently
by St. Ciel
Summary: Just how far would you go to get what you wanted? (Modern AU) [ON HIATUS]
1. In Session: Watching

**Disclaimer:** This story is intended for mature audiences only because of the dark subject matter and themes of shota.

* * *

"I had that dream again last night."

"The dream where your parents died?"

"Yes, it was horrific – they were already dead and I could just see their faces as the fire consumed them."

"Did you see their faces in real life, before you were, um, taken?"

"Yes. Only for a moment though."

"Then you were taken?"

"Yes."

"Ciel, we have been seeing each other for a year now and that event happened four years ago but do you think you're ready to discuss it fully now?"

"Not yet, I'm just not ready yet."

…

With the psychotherapy session complete, Dr. Sebastian Michaelis did what he always did at the end – he typed up his notes. That was his last patient for the evening and he was getting ready to wind down for the night. Taking his laptop out of the bottom drawer of his mahogany desk and sliding it over the top, he completes his papers with his quick, short hand scrawling and lays them out on the desk.

He flicks open his laptop and opens his files. Scrolling down, he clicks, unlocks, opens a file and begins to type out his notes.

_Ciel Phantomhive, age 13._

_Ciel still exhibits signs of severe Post Traumatic Stress with regards to his past. Currently, he continues to have the same dream as he has had since the incident. His house has been set on fire; his parents have already been killed and he watches them being consumed by flames. _

_I believe the original incident happened when he was aged 10. As he doesn't volunteer any actual information on that event, I have had to do some research on him and the Phantomhive family. Nothing conclusive has come up thus far, only that the murderers have yet to be captured and that the boy was the victim of an underground human trafficking ring._

"How curious." The doctor sighs aloud as he thinks for a moment. Even with the knowledge gained from his additional research, he knew that he couldn't bring it up in session as he didn't want the child to regress any further than he had. Looking down at his notes and examining them, he tries to find any correlation between his research and what is mentioned in the sessions but there isn't anything, which leaves the therapist slightly irked.

_I have been treating Ciel weekly for a year now and he always quickly negates any positive gains made, as though he catches onto my methods of trying to get him to open up and to heal. He presents as someone who is emotionally callous, detached, and very distrustful of others – including me, especially me. However, judging by the intelligent tests provided and after sitting with him for a year, I have found him to be gifted and highly intelligent – I wouldn't put it past him to try and gaslight me with each new method I try. I often wonder why he even bothers to see me each week, especially considering the fact that his Aunt constantly tells me that she has to drag the boy to each session._

_Now that I think about it, I have yet to ask him about his relationship to his Aunt, who is his current guardian but I can sense whenever she brings him into the office or collects him that their relationship is quite terse. This is something I will have to explore at a later time, as all I can do at present is watch and observe._

The doctor stops typing for a moment as he scrolls over his previous notes on Ciel. Feeling satisfied with his work for the evening, he saves his new document and flicks through the other files. Clicking on another folder, he flicks through the various documents and saved images.

"What can I do to get him to open up to me?" He thinks aloud to himself as he begins to open another folder called 'articles' but his cell phone ringing out in his top right desk drawer interrupts him.

He reads the caller ID, it is his wife, Angela and he quickly answers it.

"Hello darling, I'm sorry, I'm still at work."

'How long will you be in the office for?'

"Oh, not long, I'm just logging off now." He sighs. He might as well sign off and head home for the night.

'That's good, I'll have tea ready for you when you return.' She replies. He can't see her face but he knows by her tone that she is relieved to know that he will be coming straight home this evening. 'I love you Sebastian.'

"I love you too Angie. I'll be home soon." He hangs up the phone.

He saves any work outstanding on his laptop and shuts it down. He gathers all of the notes he made from his session with Ciel and tidies them up, tapping them on the desk to straighten and align them and puts them on top of his laptop. He slips the chrome rectangle, along with the papers, into his book bag and folds over the top to secure the items in the bag.

Sebastian walks over to the closet by the wall length black bookshelf. Opening the doors, he pulls out a long black trench coat off of the hanger and slips it over his arms and onto his shoulders. Admiring himself in the mirror attached behind the door, he straightens out the collar of his white dress shirt, realigns the navy and white stripped silk tie that was knotted around his neck and smoothes his black cardigan, a ritual he performs everyday before he buttons his trench coat. Feeling satisfied with his appearance, Sebastian closes the door to his closet.

He walks over to the window to perform another ritual. He slides his thin fingers over the edges of the heavy fabric to draw the curtains but before he does, he looks out to ascertain what the weather will be like when he sets foot outside the main doors of the building, especially as he decided to take the Tube into work this morning. Clear sky in the middle of December – it's going to be chilly. He pops his collar up and runs his fingers through his inky black hair before he draws the curtains, shutting out the outside world.

Going back over to his desk, he picks up his book bag and his phone. He presses the screen to see the time illuminate – did he have enough time to – no, he told Angela he'd be straight home tonight. This was something Sebastian was good at, almost known for like a badge of honor, telling the truth – he never lied. He would on occasion be economical with it if he had to but he was honest. He also remembered how she sounded, that sense of relief, he couldn't bring himself to disappoint her tonight – so he won't.

Pocketing his phone and slipping the strap of his book bag over his shoulder, Sebastian heads for the door. Turning out the lights, he exits.

…

He makes his way outside - he was right to pull up his collar, it was in fact very cold for a December's night in London and he can see the condensation from his warm breath as he exhales. He follows his usual route back to the Bermondsey Tube station for the Jubilee Line home, going through the empty streets and darting past the full trendy bars and traditional pubs that were scattered throughout.

As he heads towards the station, he can't help but feel something, a suspicion, something he has felt every day for the last few months. It was an awkward feeling, uncomfortable and threatening. His teeth chatter in the cold and he picks up his pace. For a therapist to feel paranoid for no reason, well, what would kind of faith would that install in his patients?

Still, this time, he feels it, his heart races and pounds blood into his ears and his breath quickens – he feels the anxiousness as it starts to take over him. He stops dead in his tracks and looks around – no one, there is no one around – then again, there never is. Sebastian figures that he must do this on a nightly basis now, it is almost as though the motions have wormed their way into his evening routine.

He types his notes, he packs his bags, he goes to the closet to straighten out his appearance, he goes to the window, looks outside then closes the curtains – finally allowing himself to leave the building. Now, he's added this stop and this look around – which he does, but again, there is never anyone there.

Sebastian sighs and puts the base of his palm to his head as he chuckles. He was being silly, of course he was, he was being silly and he needed to get over himself. Steadying his heart and his breath, he resumes walking to the Underground station, and he now sees the bright illuminated Underground sign within close proximity. Reaching into his trench coat pocket, he pulls out his Oyster card in its holder and goes inside the station. As he approaches the barrier and before he swipes his card, he takes one more look around – no one. He runs the card in its holder over the yellow pad and the barriers open, allowing him to pass through, and he makes his way down to the platform.

As he leaves the ticket hall, a boy walks into the station. He leans against the ticket machines. He had watched the whole scenario unfold.

"This is different, you're going straight home today." He mutters to himself quietly.

He folds his arms across his small chest as he looks up at the indicator board to see if Sebastians' train had left and it had. That mere piece of information causes the young boy to smile as he pushes himself off of the machines and straightens up.

"Master Ciel, you shouldn't go off like that." A gruff man with a bristly chin approaches him. He is a blond man in a chauffeur uniform, complete with patent black boots that cover his trousers up to his knees. Ciel casts his eye over him, he is annoyed that he has been followed but tries to stifle it and instead, flashes him a bright smile.

"I'm sorry Bard, I just had to see something quickly. Come on, let's go home." He motions for the chauffeur to follow him out of the station and back to the town car that is waiting outside.

* * *

**Authors' Note:** I am reposting this story after I deleted it. My bad...


	2. Ciel: Ghost

Present – aged 13.

Ghosts.

How is it that the ghosts of the past still haunt those who live in the present?

He thinks about it often, yet not often enough.

His parents died tragically, he was kidnapped and brought into a human trafficking ring where he was being prepped and primed to be sold. If he closed his eyes and let his mind wander, he could still hear the muffled screams and pleas from the others he was chained to, and then there was nothing but silence from the ones who died. The horrible smells that singed his nostrils, the blindfolds that covered his eyes and the beatings he took if he didn't comply. He fought against them over and over again and was reprimanded each time, in the end, he gave up – it was hopeless, _he_ was hopeless. He obeyed every order and took part in every depravity that was forced on him.

He swore that if he were ever to be free, he would never experience that feeling of helplessness again. He swore that from there on out, his experiences, his future would be of his own choosing and of his own doing.

This ghost of the past is something that Ciel is currently focusing on as he sits at his desk in his study. It is evening and the sun has set a long time ago. He leans back in his chair, facing the window and bathes himself in the moonlight as he reflects on his thoughts. He is alone but he prefers it this way. It is quiet but he enjoys it - the silence never bothers him, it allows him to clear his head and think of nothing but what it is he wants his mind to think of. At this moment in time, in this lull, Ciel lets his mind wander to thoughts of his therapist, Sebastian Michaelis.

"Ciel darling, it's not good for you to sit in the dark like this by yourself." A voice speaks to him sweetly as footsteps approach him from behind, interrupting his most pleasant of thoughts. He rolls his eye and crosses his right leg over his left knee as he leans further back. "Ciel, are you listening?"

"Yes Aunt Anne, I'm listening." He sighs, his back still to her.

"Will you look at me?" She requests, now standing to his side. Sliding his leg off of his knee, he turns his chair towards her direction. He sees her, clad in her typical favorite color, crimson red.

It is the color of her bobbed hair and fringe, the color of her long lacquered nails that are rounded at the tip and the color of her clothing - a figure hugging sheath dress that falls just below her knees and flatters her figure perfectly.

"I'm looking at you now." His tone is cold and distant. She leans over the desk and puts her hand to his cheek; he flinches for a moment but allows the contact.

"Ciel honey, I'm worried about you."

"Why?"

"You seem to be, how do I put this, distant of late."

"Distant?" He reiterates as he watches her face soften, her eyes lower lazily as they inspect him. "How can that be when I'm right here?" He quips. She frowns at that remark.

"You know what I mean." She exhales as she thinks about something. Ciel observes her as her mind ticks over. "Maybe we should think about getting you another therapist, I don't think this one is making any headway with you."

Ciel grabs the wrist of the hand still on his face, he doesn't use any strength holding it but she is surprised by the action. His eye narrows into a slit, and rolls up to meet hers.

"Please don't make me change doctors."

"But if you're n-"

"I'm sorry I've been distant lately, I've had a lot on my mind but please Aunt Anne, _please_ don't make me change doctors." His voice cracks and waivers slightly as he pleads with her.

She uses her thumb to stroke the side of his cheek and he leans into the contact to reassure her.

"Ciel, what has gotten into you lately?" She wonders aloud. He doesn't respond, he just tries to show her that she's been heard. Ciel moves his hand from her wrist and spreads his small fingers out and over hers. A motion that makes his Aunt smile pensively, she never knows what's going through her nephews' head at any given time but he is easier to read than before… before the incident. The incident that took his parents, that took her sister and brother-in-law.

Anne had never asked Ciel exactly what happened that night because she knew that the scene must have been terrifying and she never pried into what happened in those months he was taken – although she exhausted every resource available to find him and get him back. However, when Ciel did return, he was less than half of the child he was before he was taken. The doctors that did his examination confirmed many things to her, things that were far too horrible for her to comprehend and wrap her mind around. _What he must have gone through_ – she thought, it was enough to make her sick, to which she enviably was.

She knew then that she had to make the rest of this boys' life as easy as possible.

It was common knowledge that the Phantomhives were different from any other family in the Peerage. Vincent, Ciels' father – was always called off to various late night cabinet meetings and the family knew that '_cabinet meeting_' was just a flimsy code for special work, work that was done outside of the confines of government or even MI5 for that matter – it was generally assumed that their death was linked to that line of work and therefore, instantly covered up.

Anne knew that it would be Ciels' turn to fetch, heel and obey like the others before him, especially as he inherited his fathers' title but this was something she did not want for her nephew. She was hoping that she could at least delay his fate and try to give him as much of a normal a life as possible, especially given his past.

With that in mind – she spoils him. She allows him any luxury and everything he could ever want in this world but he politely refuses all of them saying he has no need for frivolous things. She tries to move him out of London, perhaps France or America – thinking a change of scenery would improve his mood but he always declines, England is his home.

However, lately, he has started to withdraw further, she could see Ciel become distant and despondent.

"Won't you come down for dinner?" She tries again to get him to open up. Ciel moves out of her touch and turns back around, facing the opulent moon that hung outside of his office window.

"Fine, I'll come down in a moment." He concedes, realizing that if he didn't make more of an effort to appear 'fine' he she will take him to another therapist and that was something he simply didn't want.

"Good, I'm glad. You know because of work I don't get to spend a lot of time with you – so I like to see you whenever I can, please don't shut me out Ciel." Her voice is sad and he will be lying if he says that her sadness doesn't have an effect on him, it does.

Ciel will give anything to be back to the way that he was before this all happened. He closes his eyes and imagines his family still here, his mother with the warmth of the sun that would fill him with such joy whenever she'd embrace him. His father who always smelled of peppermint and would throw him over his broad shoulders and parade around the room. Everyone laughing - everyone smiling.

But those days are gone now, only to be seen in the recesses of his mind. Ciel knows that when something is truly gone, it will never come back.

Anne looks at Ciel and sighs quietly to herself as she turns to leave the office, just stopping at the door.

"Don't forget you have a therapy appointment with Dr. Michaelis tomorrow night."

"I haven't forgotten." He replies. She nods and walks out of the room.

Of course Ciel hadn't forgotten, it's the one thing he looks forward to.

…

Past – aged 12.

His Aunt, growing increasingly concerned for her nephews' well being as his behavior was growing increasingly erratic, had urged him to seek professional help. He complied with her request with the agreement that he could chose the person he got to see. She found that request to be curious but as long as he was willing to see someone, she wasn't going to deny him.

To an outsider, it would appear that it all started innocently enough, but, there was nothing innocent about Ciel Phantomhive, _they_ saw to that.

Ciel did what he would always do after something piqued his interest, he investigated it further – well, if he was forced to see someone, he may as well look into it as much as he possibly could.

He created a long list then narrowed it down to a short list – finally tapering his selection down to three. After extensive research on the three finalists, he settled on one man, Dr. Sebastian Michaelis.

Dr. Michaelis did his undergraduate studies at Cambridge University, and then went on to do his post graduate and doctoral studies at King's College University in London. He had written five well-regarded books in his field, Emotional Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress and he happened to be based in London.

Ciel had read up on Dr. Michaelis, read his books and articles in Psychiatric magazines, watched his TED talk, listened to his deep soothing voice over and over again. He found his work interesting, his research intriguing and the only way he was going to know more about him was to meet him – but before he wanted to do that, he wanted to do more research first, field research.

It started out as mere curiosity, this man who was so highly regarded, it was as though he was something akin to a knight. Ciel wanted to see if that façade ever slipped, even once? He wanted to know all about the man he was supposed to tell his most intimate secrets to, to make sure he really was worthy – to ensure sure he could be safe. The snooping wouldn't be done full time, just checking on his comings and goings, with perhaps some specialized snooping on the weekend.

He hired a private detective to monitor him, just watch him a little and the results were intriguing – he was seemingly squeaky clean. _No, that can't be right?_ If anything in his twelve years of life had taught him, there is no one on Earth without a speck of dirt on them. However, there it is, he read the dossier presented on him and there was nothing.

_Sebastian Michaelis, aged 30 years old. Both of his parents had passed away when he was fifteen._

_He is married to an Angela Blanc-Michaelis, aged 29. She is a schoolteacher for the local Church of England Primary School in Rotherhithe, where they both live in a semi detached two-storey home overlooking the Thames. They met at Cambridge and only recently got married._

_They have no children as yet. _

As Ciel read the report, he was mildly amused. There it was, Sebastians' whole life laid out in black and white on these pages. However, there was nothing really out of place.

_Weekdays he's at work and he serves on various charity boards and associations. Weekends, he spends with Angela, goes to Borough Market with her, has lunch, sometimes sees her family and their friends. _

Nothing incriminating, he really was a knight. Perhaps he was safe after all.

Ciel shuffled through the papers and his eye widened when he saw it, a paragraph, nothing more but still, it was there.

"Now _that_, is interesting." He grinned to himself, knowing that he now had something on the squeaky clean doctor. "From now on Dr. Michaelis, if you're going to be anyone's knight, you're going to be my knight." He smiled as he placed the papers down in front of him. Now, it was time for them to meet.

…

Ciel had his Aunt schedule his first appointment on a Thursday evening, late, so that he would be the last patient of the day.

He didn't know what he was planning on doing but he did know that he was excited. Finally, he had the chance to meet the man he had been studying for all this time. He felt the build up of the moment, the nervous and anxious anticipation fill his chest.

The receptionist pointed him towards the last door in the hall. Walking down, he saw a patient come out and Dr. Michaelis in the doorway. Ciel stopped for a moment as he watched him shake this persons hand. He noticed how he smiled, how his eyes were a ruddy brown color and how in the right light, they just looked red. His hair was a raven black color and choppy, as though razor cut – he looked young, nothing like the pictures he'd seen of him. He was tall and handsome and he even further intrigued Ciel.

"Thanks Dr. Michaelis, I'll see you next week." The patient smiled as she walked away. Sebastian turned back into the room, completely oblivious to Ciel who was still stood watching in the hallway.

Without bothering to knock, Ciel slipped inside and closed the door behind him, leaning against it with a wry smile.

"My, you sure are popular, _Dr. Michaelis_." He cooed, his voice as soft as velvet, which startled Sebastian as he quickly turned to see where that voice was coming from.

"I'm sorry?" He asked as he stared straight at Ciel who now moved away from the door and over to the black leather chair that was positioned in front of the desk. He was taking it all in, the look of the room, the décor and the smell.

"You are Dr. Michaelis aren't you?" He questioned as he took his seat on the chair, facing a nervous Sebastian.

"Y-yes I am."

"Then I am your last appointment for the evening, Ciel Phantomhive." He introduced himself as he crossed his right leg over his left knee. Sebastian tried to straighten himself up as he realized that this was his next patient.

"Ah, yes, Ciel. You're a little early." He smiled as he looked around his desk for a new notepad.

"Am I? I think you'll find that I'm right on time." He smiled as he pointed to wall clock hanging just behind the therapists' head. Sebastian turned and noted the time.

"Well, I guess you are. Shall we begin?" He took a seat in the chair in font of Ciel, whose eye narrowed as he studied the therapist. _I'm going to have fun with this one_, he thought.

* * *

**Authors' Note:** Oh kids... we're in for a dark, bumpy ride... are you ready to come with me on this journey? (I sure hope so)


	3. Sebastian: Only When I Lose Myself

Present – aged 31.

It's the rush.

The intensity of the slightest touch.

Skin on skin contact and the blast of panting breath as it breezes past you, each follicle electrified and intensified. The feel of someone's hands as they run down your back, nails digging and scratching at the muscle underneath. The feeling of your heartbeat as it quickens and thumps. The taste in your mouth as you lean in and touch your tongue to the salty skin underneath – lapping and licking, kissing and biting.

The sensation of being filled to the brim as you're balanced precariously against a wall, being slammed against it as you cry, pant, beg, plead – scream for oh so much more and you get it. You get all that you ask for and extra.

This is the experience of being absolutely alive.

In this moment in time, you are utterly and completely alive.

"What is your name?" She pants hoarsely.

"No names." He growls in return.

"But-"

"_Shh,_ it's better if you don't speak – now turn around." He instructs as he pulls out of her and spins her around, placing his left hand on the top of her back. He holds her still as he bends her over, her body feels empty but that only lasts for a second as he drives back into her, causing her to cry out. Reaching over with his right hand, he traces his long fingers over her moistened, parted lips. Between her breathy mewls, she licks and playfully nibbles at his fingers before he slaps his palm across her mouth and holds it shut – preferring the silence over her sounds of pleasure. Normally men hear that as encouragement, he just hears it as senseless noise.

When he finishes, he quickly pulls out and drops her. She falls slightly forward, placing both of her hands against the wall, bracing herself as she tries to catch her breath.

He straightens himself up and quickly cleans himself off with the tissue from the nearby dispenser. That's the thing about doing this in bathrooms; you can get cleaned up easily. She leans against the wall and starts to stretch out her back as she pulls down the hem of her skirt. Glancing over her shoulder, she espies him reaching into his trouser pocket and pulling out a small platinum ring. She watches curiously as he slips it on to his left ring finger.

"You're married?" She wonders aloud as she shifts herself from against the wall.

"Yes."

"Is it that _Angela_ you kept calling out?" She huffs.

"Yes." He replies honestly as he tucks his shirttails back into his trousers.

"Why don't you do this with her then?" She was feeling oddly bold, well; they had just fucked in a bathroom, surely that allowed her a few bonus questions.

"Because I can't do this to her." He pauses as he reflects further on his reasoning. "Because she isn't a whore." His voice is calm and even.

"I'm not a whore!" She retorts angrily. He smiles wryly at her as he buttons his coat.

"Look at what we just did and tell me that again."

She furrows her brow at the thought, realizing it is true in this moment, and pouts as she leans back against the wall, crossing her arms in a huff.

"Does that mean we can't see each other ag-"

"Absolutely not." He cuts her off.

What a ridiculous thought.

…

Past – aged 25.

Sebastian Michaelis met Angela Blanc purely by accident.

He was at the expansive University library, strumming his fingers impatiently against the bookshelf as he examined the various titles on display. He figured his brain was a little frazzled as it was in the middle of summer and England was having an uncharacteristic heat wave. Still, he wanted something to read, frazzled brain or not. He wasn't looking for anything in particular; he was just interested in something different.

"Excuse me, may I grab a book?" Sebastian turned to see a pair of vibrant violent eyes peering back at him. "It's just right there, if you could move slightly." She smiled.

Sebastian took a moment to regard her, tall, almost as tall as him. She was striking, her face was flawless, as white and as smooth as the finest porcelain. Her features were soft; high cheekbones, rounded nose, and almond shaped eyes. She had the most curious colored hair, the lightest lavender, which only brought out the violet in her eyes; it was wavy and just past her chin. In the time it took Sebastian to take all of her in, the flowing linen summer dress with an English Rose pattern, the white ballet flats she wore to match and the delicate silver bracelet she wore around her tiny wrist, he noticed all of those things but he didn't seem to notice that she was frowning at him.

"Seriously, you're blocking the book I need."

"Hm?" He started to snap out of his trance, "Yes, sorry." He stepped aside but he continued to stare at her as she reached up above his head to grab the book she was looking for. Sebastian dropped his eyes down to her thin ankles and then moved on up her shapely calves to the part of her thigh that was ever so slightly exposed by the hem of her skirt lifting as she stood on tiptoe to reach.

"You know, instead of leering, a gentlemen would help a lady." She jested as she rocked back to her heels. Sebastian nodded and smiled as he causally ran his hand through his hair – he'd been caught staring.

"Of course, you're right. Which book to you need?"

She points to the book with the cream colored spine.

"That one, on child psychology."

Sebastian reached up and pulled it out for her.

"Are you in the psychology department? I haven't seen you around." He handed her the book.

"That's because I'm not, I'm actually taking a supplementary course for my degree. I'm going into education – for my sins." She simpered. "Well, thank you for getting the book. I'll see you around." She held the book close to her chest and turned to leave but Sebastian followed after her.

"Wait, I'm in the psychology department and I've taken that class, I'd be happy to study with you, if you want." She ignored him and walked faster down the aisle. "Hey, wait!" Sebastian called after her.

"Sorry but I don't like to waste time on people who just perv on me." She rebuked.

Moving faster, Sebastian stepped in front of her, blocking her in the aisle.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to stare, it's just that you're so beautiful and-"

"Save it." She shut him down, an action that caused Sebastians' face to fall, which caused her to be slightly amused. She put the side of her index finger to her lips as she watched him, she giggled slightly. "Maybe we should start from the beginning." She suggested. "My name is Angela Blanc, education and scholastic studies department." She holds out her hand and Sebastian accepts it.

"Sebastian Michaelis, psychology department." He smiles as he shakes her hand.

"It's nice to meet you, Sebastian."

After that meeting, the pair were almost virtually inseparable a fact that came to no surprise their friends and friends. The pair were so compatible that it was almost frightening how alike they truly were. They made an elegant couple, visually attractive and graceful – and almost everyone they came across tried to emulate them.

Sebastian not only loved and respected Angela, he also adored and he worshiped her – placing her on such a high pedestal that it was virtually impossible for anyone to reach her, especially him.

Holding only the highest moral values, Angela insisted on their relationship being nothing but chaste until they were married, a request that did not bother Sebastian in the slightest – it only further promoted her angelic status to him.

He loved being around her, as in his own mind; he could be as pure as her by proxy.

There was something about Sebastian that not even Angela knew, something he knew she wouldn't understand – he barely understood it himself but it was something that bothered him. No matter how complete he thought he was – he was empty and hollow. He was desperately seeking something that he needed – something that he craved. At night, when no one was looking, it was something he sought out in crowded bars or seedy clubs. At night, he became a predator and relished hunting and capturing his prey. Once he was done, he discarded them – his emptiness was filled and he was left feeling whole and complete – that is, until the next time.

Shortly after his doctorial thesis was accepted, Sebastian and Angela were married in spring, at a small church by Bassenthwaite Lake in the Lake District, the place where Angela grew up.

They bought their first house and moved to Rotherhithe in the summer where they have been ever since, the pair being truly happy with their home and each other. Sebastian became a psychotherapist at a small private practice in Bermondsey and Angela a head teacher at the local Church of England Primary School.

They lived in relative bliss with one another and everything was wonderful. Although, however wonderful his life was, Sebastian was always lacking something, the scratch for the itch that constantly annoyed him – it was always stuck in a place he just could not reach. Making love to Angela was always beautiful but it lacked passion, it felt good but it missed depravity – something he needed to feel alive. Of course, if he couldn't do that with her, he would have to seek out alternative ways to scratch his itch, which is something he did on an almost daily basis – most times, after work.

He would walk towards the train station but go just past it, stopping off at one bar or another. In Bermondsey, there were plenty of places to go to get a drink so it wasn't as though Sebastian was without choice. He would go into a bar, order a pint and sit down and wait – looking the way he did, it would never take long for him to be approached but he was picky though, always choosy – his prey had to be of a certain standard for him to be mildly aroused. He looked at their shoes, depending on the brand he wouldn't waste his time, then the dress – always a dress or a skirt, it allowed for easy access. However, he preferred designer, the more couture the better – it meant that they too had standards and were most likely, powerful. In the time it would take for him to be approached, it would take even less time for him to leave with whoever happened to fall under his spell that night.

In a bathroom stall or out back in the alleyway – it didn't matter to him as long as they obeyed. With the way his baritone voice would purr in their ears, they would melt, making them pliable under his touch and under his command. Sebastian would sometimes be disgusted by just how simple it was to take control over these seemingly powerful women but once he had done so, that feeling wouldn't last very long.

And when it was over – it was always the same. No pleasantries, no names, no good-byes – just go. When they left, he would then head home to his wife.

To Sebastian, Angela was the epitome of purity. He saw her as an angel and he hated himself daily for what he was doing to her, but he could never taint her. He could never drag her down here to this level and debase her. To act out all that he had in his head, all of his dark thoughts and twisted fantasies – he couldn't do that to her – and more importantly, he just couldn't see her in that way. So whenever they made love it was beautiful but it simply wasn't enough.

…

Past – aged 30.

"Excellent session today, I really think we're making strides in your recovery. Here, let me walk you out." Sebastian arose from his chair as his patient, across from him, stood to her feet.

He plopped his notebook down on the chair, held out his arms and guided her out of the room and into the hallway. He leant against the doorway as she turned back to him with a bright smile.

"Thanks Dr. Michaelis, I'll see you next week."

He smiled back at her and nodded as he watched her walk down the hallway.

Turning to go back inside his office, he left the door open slightly as he let his mind wander back to the discussion of his last session. Dipping down to pick up his notebook he walked over to his desk. There was a barely audible click at the door as it closed but Sebastian couldn't hear it, it was too busy running ideas on how to help his last patient through his mind. He was so busy that he didn't realize that he was no longer alone.

"My, you sure are popular, _Dr. Michaelis_." A velvety soft voice cooed from behind. Startled Sebastian quickly turned to see where that voice was coming from.

The child was odd.

That was the first thing he noted as he watched the boy slink away from the door. He was dressed in a pair of black slacks, a white dress shirt and a navy blue and black argyle vest. He was incredibly well put together and effortlessly cool. Sebastian also noticed how he wore an eye patch over his right eye, it was curious to see in someone of his age – _age,_ how old was he? His other eye was a deep blue, a color he had never seen before, except in magazines where it would be a picture of the sea around Madagascar – such a deep vibrant blue.

"I'm sorry?" He asked as he stared straight at him. The boy smiled dryly as he walked around the office, touching the furnishings and looking at the books on the bookshelf before finally stopping at the black leather chair in front of the desk.

"You are Dr. Michaelis aren't you?" He asked as he took his seat on the chair, facing the Doctor. Sebastian couldn't explain why but this child made him completely ill at ease. It was his whole demeanor, the way he came into the room as if he owned it

"Y-yes I am." He replied nervously.

"Then I am your last appointment for the evening, Ciel Phantomhive." He introduced himself as he crossed his right leg over his left knee. Sebastian tried to straighten himself up as he realized that this was his next patient.

He had done a little research on Ciel Phantomhive prior to the appointment. His Aunt had called his secretary who was then notified that this was a special case. It was indeed. Sebastian had never had a member of the Peerage as a patient before, let a lone a child who holds the position of an Earl. In all of the articles and press clippings he had seen, the boy in front of him bore little or no resemblance. Perhaps it was because he was older now? It was definitely because he was cleaned up – the first pictures of him had him completely caked in filth.

Still, Sebastian was fascinated by him and couldn't wait for this session to begin – he also wanted to know – why him? His Aunt had told his secretary that Ciel wanted him specifically.

"Ah, yes, Ciel. You're a little early." He smiled as he looked around his desk for a new notepad.

"Am I? I think you'll find that I'm right on time." He smiled as he pointed to wall clock hanging just behind the therapists' head. Sebastian turned and noted the time and sure enough, he was right, _clever lad_, he sniped in mind.

"Well, I guess you are. Shall we begin?" He took a seat in the chair in font of Ciel, whose eye narrowed as he studied the therapist. Again, Sebastian felt uncomfortable – it was as though he was being examined but he was determined to figure out why.


	4. In Session: All Mine

Past.

"Ah, yes, Ciel. You're a little early." He smiled as he looked around his desk for a new notepad.

"Am I? I think you'll find that I'm right on time." He smiled as he pointed to wall clock hanging just behind the therapists' head. Sebastian turned and noted the time and sure enough, he was right, _clever lad_, he sniped in his mind.

"Well, I guess you are. Shall we begin?" He took a seat in the chair in font of Ciel, whose eye narrowed as he studied the therapist. Sebastian couldn't help but feel as though he was being scrutinized and examined.

"Why don't we start by you telling me about yourself? Why are you here to see me?" Sebastian leaned back in his chair and crossed his right leg over this left in an effort to mimic Ciels' body language. This was something that he would do often in order to subconsciously communicate to the patient that they were alike. Ciel thought of something to say, surprisingly, he hadn't really prepared for this meeting as much as he would have liked to – still, he was good on his feet, a very quick thinker.

"I suppose you already know who I am." He began.

"I do."

"Then you know about my past – my family and what had happened to me."

"Only the bits that are mentioned in articles. Your parents were murdered, your house was burned down and you were… kidnapped and held captive for several months."

"You've done your homework." He grinned. "Of course you did, I wouldn't have expect anything less of you. I'd be more surprised if you hadn't been able to help yourself after you learned who I was."

"What does that mean?"

"I've done my homework on you too and I know everything about you."

"Pardon?"

"Well, once you figured out that I was a patient you could sink your teeth into, it would only be natural for you to research me."

Sebastian shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Yes, it was true that Ciels' case had interested him; any therapist worth their salt would have leapt at the opportunity to have Ciel Phantomhive as a case study or patient, given his history. However, he didn't anticipate on the patient researching and studying him.

"Well, that wouldn't be hard, I have published quite a few times and I do a lot of work with charities. I am quite well known."

"Of course, of course. That's exactly what I meant."

Sebastian seemed to believe him but he can't help but think that there was something more to his statement. Perhaps not, he has had child patients before and they have all been a handful. In reflection, even though this session had just started, Ciel wasn't nearly as bad as some of the other children he has treated. He was just smarter – that was fine, Sebastian just had to be smarter.

"This all happened two years ago, what brings you to me now?" He queried as he started to make his notes.

"Well you see, I've been having these dreams." Ciel said nonchalantly.

"What are they about?"

Ciel sighed heavily as he surmised the dreams he had been having.

"It was the moment I found them."

"Who?"

"My parents, it was the moment I found my parents." He was quiet for a moment, letting his eye drop down to the floor as he reflected on his dream. Sebastian watched him with interest as he could see the turmoil etching itself on Ciels' face as he closed his eye. "There were flames, the whole house… I could see them, I think – I think they were already dead."

"What happened after that."

"I couldn't see their faces but I tried to approach them. As I went over to them, I was grabbed tightly from behind. My eyes were covered and as I tried to scream a handkerchief was put over my mouth to muffle the sound... Then I woke up."

"What was the feeling you had when you woke?" Sebastian asked as he continued to make his notes.

"Fear, anxiety – I felt like I was reliving it all again."

"I see-"

"I admitted more than I thought I would." Ciel interrupted as he admonished himself aloud, annoyed that he confessed so much so soon.

"You're here for me to help you." Sebastian put his pen down and looked over to Ciel whose brow was furrowed in frustration.

"I just didn't expect…" He drifted off, completely lost in his thought. Sebastian cast his eyes over the young boy and took in his body language. He kept shifting in his seat; his right hand tapping on the armrest, with his eye was cast down.

He acknowledged this and thought it may be best to take a step back, especially as he quickly realized that Ciel was no longer going to give himself up so easily.

"Ok, so this dream is what brings you here? How often do you have it?"

"Every so often but it bothers me, which is why I'm here."

"Your aunt says you're here because of your behavior."

"Of course she did." Ciel hissed snidely as he rolled his eye. He forgot that his aunt was looking out for his best interest but she didn't realize his interest was in Sebastian, still, he reckoned that it still might work out in his favor, after all, Sebastian was a therapist and the only way Ciel could capture him was to keep him interested.

The rest of the session went by quickly as they spoke of many things. Ciel carefully dodging the questions he really didn't want to answer and steering the conversation in a direction that he felt comfortable with. Sebastian picked up on this need to control almost instantly and noted it down but he felt that as this was their first session, he'd let the boy have his way – for now.

Glancing up and over to the clock behind him, Sebastian closed his notebook.

"Right, well I'm afraid our time is up. This was a good start, shall we say same time next week?"

Ciel nodded as he started to stand, smoothing down his sweater vest and straightening himself out slightly.

Instinctively, Sebastian stood as well to walk him to the door but his mind was still clouded by their session – he figured the boy was clever but he had managed to out maneuver him at every question. How was that possible?

_Who was this boy and what were his intentions?_ He was confused, his training and his instinct gave him the strong inclination that this boy was damaged and needed help, however, Sebastian couldn't shake his intuition, the part of him that told him this could not possibly end well – he wouldn't be able to quantify it if you were to ask him but it was just something about him – something about Ciel that he couldn't understand. He couldn't get a read on him and he had tried almost everything he could in one hour but Ciel Phantomhive remained a mystery.

Here was the problem that Sebastian now faced.

He knew that Ciel had been through so much, the little research that he had done had shown him that much but once he uncovered all of the dirty little secrets this boy was keeping close to his chest, would he really want to know? Would be able to help him? Sebastian didn't know but he was willing to try – he wanted to make this work or… or should he cut his losses? It was clear that the child liked to play games, would Sebastian be just another pawn? Just a piece to be moved on his order but to what end and in what game were they playing? He wanted to ask but he knew that Ciel would find another way to cut him to the quick. Sebastian liked a challenge but he had a nagging feeling that this boy may be a challenge too far for the seasoned psychiatrist.

Sebastian thought about this as Ciel went to the door. Turning the knob and opening it slightly, he stopped and looked over his shoulder towards Sebastian, flashing him such an innocent and childlike smile – it chilled him to the bone.

"Well, see you next week _Dr. Michaelis_."

Sebastian hesitated and remained by the chair – in that moment he knew, he was going to be tied to him and Sebastian decided that if that were to be the case, he was going to do what ever it took to help him. This outward appearance that Ciel projected to the world – Sebastian didn't believe it. He must have been scared, he must be fragile and he must be faking it – whatever it was, he was determined to find out.

As Ciel made his way down the hall, he could see Angela turn the corner and appear in the hallway. She noticed Ciel walking towards her and she smiled politely at him but his face remained stoic and cold. She hesitated as she came closer to him; there was something about him that made her nervous. It wasn't just the look on his face but the fact that he was so young; he could have easily been one of her students, it was his look, his demeanor and the way that he refused to look away – unblinkingly staring at her.

Her hand shook nervously and she lost the grip on her handbag, it slipped, fell to the ground and the contents spilled out. Stopping to collect everything, Angela quickly bent over to put everything back in again. She reached over to grab her lipstick that had rolled out of her reach, but small fingers had wrapped their fingers around it. Looking up, she sees Ciel had knelt down and picked up the few items that she had missed.

"Thank you very much." She spoke shyly and he placed the items in her hands. He remained silent as he observed her put them into her bag.

They both then stood and stared at each other.

"Well, uh, good night." She hesitantly smiled and started to walk past him.

"He isn't for you." Ciel finally spoke, his voice was calm but his tone was cold. Angela stopped but didn't turn to look at him, keeping her eyes forward.

"Excuse me?"

"Deep down inside, you know what I mean."

She turned to him but he started to leave, walking down the hallway.

"What are you talking about?" She called after him, confused by what this child was saying to her.

"Oh, ignore me – it's nothing." Ciel brushed her off as he started to walk away from her, a smirk firmly planted onto his lips. He didn't expect to meet the wife so soon but this too has worked out in his favor regardless. All he wanted to do at first was to suss her out – she was weak and he knew she wouldn't be much of an obstacle for him.

As he left he turned the corner, paused and waited just at the edge. He could hear her feeble knock on the door. A beat. Then he could hear the squeak of the door opening and the soft click of it closing.

Ciel couldn't help but smile, as he began to walk over to the elevator.

"He isn't for you because he is for me. _Only for me_." He chuckled to himself as he got into the lift.

…

Present.

"Before we finish for the night, I wanted to ask, have you had that dream again recently?"

"Yes, last night, although this time it was slightly different."

"Different?" Sebastian decides to put his pen down as he gives Ciel his full attention.

"I was able to get closer to them, my parents, I reached out to touch them but two hands grabbed me from behind. I screamed out for them but I think they were already dead."

"That's interesting and how did you-"

"We're out of time doctor." Ciel cuts him off.

"I want you to finish."

"I don't want to finish."

Sebastian leans forward, staring straight at Ciel.

"Look. I appreciate that there are things that you still want to keep to yourself, I understand that but if you want me to help you overcome this, you're going to have to help me here."

"Who says I want to overcome it?" He snorts sarcastically.

"Isn't that why you're here?"

"Yes, of course." He smiles, "Next time doctor, I promise."

Sebastian sighs and sits forward slightly, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Ciel, I'm concerned. If you won't open up to me then I can't help your progress and you may need to see someone else – maybe someone better suited to you?"

"No." Ciel shakes his head.

"No?"

"No. I don't want anyone else. I only want you." Ciel states firmly. He is going to have to re-evaluate his plan if he is intending to get Sebastian into his life and to keep him there.

"Fine but next session, I need a bit more effort on your part. Okay?" He smiles.

Ciel looks at him curiously, it's been a year and he still wants to help him, "Yes." He nods, _curious_, he thinks.

With their session now finished, Sebastian walks Ciel to the door.

"Remember what I said, next session, I want to have more effort." He puts his hand on Ciels' shoulder as he opens the door for him. Ciel stands frozen, he wants to lean into him, he wants both of his arms wrapped around him but for now, he'll settle for this moment of contact.

Sebastian removes his hand and Ciel steps out of the room, glancing back at him over his shoulder.

"Till next week Dr. Michaelis."

"Good night Ciel."

As he was his last patient, Sebastian closes the door slightly, leaving it open a crack as he returns to his desk.

As Ciel walks out into the hall, he smiles to himself as he sees Angela in a light lavender trench coat walking towards him. She seems so absorbed in her thoughts that she doesn't notice him stop in the middle of the hallway, staring at her as she passes by. He steps aside and stands against the wall, watching her in mild curiosity as she taps on the door.

The office door pushes opens slightly from the motion and she pokes her head in. For where he's standing, Ciel can barely hear the conversation but he watches as Angela goes inside the office. Waiting for the door to close, he walks to the other side of the hall and over to the office door. He tilts his head towards it and presses his ear against the wood, eavesdropping on what was going on inside the office.

"What are you doing here?" He asks her tenderly as he sits down behind his desk.

"I wanted to surprise you." She replies, flirtatiously batting her eyes at him as she saunters over to the black leather chair that patients typically sit on. She runs her fingers over the back of it, feeling the texture under the tips. Sebastian looks at her curiously as he starts to put the notes away after his session with Ciel.

"Well, you have surprised me." He smiles.

She walks forward and stands in front of the desk; she cocks her hip slightly and starts to unbutton her coat.

"My just being here isn't the surprise." She purrs.

"_Oh_?" Sebastian leans back in his chair as he watches her pop each button open, reveling and exposing her milky white flesh underneath. She gets to the button that hovers just at her chest and she playfully tugs at it as she walks around to him. He turns his chair around to face her as she starts to unbutton it slowly, revealing a glint of black lace against her pale white skin.

Ciel listens intently on the other side and he can hear the ruffling of fabric. His heart begins to thump in his chest as he tries to imagine what is happening on the other side of the door.

Sebastian leans forward, espying her black stockings; he runs his hands over them and up her shapely calves and on to her thighs. He rubs his palms against the lace edging of the thigh high stockings.

Sebastian emits a low growl as he realizes that she isn't wearing anything underneath her coat, except something skimpy and lacey. Firmly grabbing her hips, he pulls her forward and into him, his face nuzzles her chest as inhales her sweet scent of peonies. Angela wraps her arms around his head and cradles it as he delicately runs his tongue over her skin. She shivers under the sensation as he continues to squeeze her hips tightly.

"What do you want to do?" She breathes.

Ciel listens intently for Sebastians' response.

"I want to fuck you." He replies.

"Well then?" She goads him.

Sebastian moves his hands from her hips to the top of her panties; he slips his fingers in between the gap of skin and fabric and swiftly pulls them down to her knees, and letting them slide down to her ankles. She steps out of them as he maneuvers her around against the edge. He stands and pushes her back onto the desk, moving between her legs. He grabs one of her legs and lifts it, pressing his face against her calf as she supports herself on the desk.

Ciel can feel his heart pound into his throat as he braces himself against the door. His breathing is labored and shallow as he waits for something to happen.

"I-I can't do this." He hears Sebastian refuse her.

"_Tch_. Close." Ciel snorts with relative pride at the fact that Sebastian can't go through with it. He puts his back against the door and exhales quietly with relief.

Sebastian stands up and turns his back to Angela. She rises from off of her back and reaches around and hugs his chest tightly.

"_Sebastian, please_." She whispers into his back.

"No, I can't. I love you too much to do this with you." He puts his hands to his face. Sebastian is overcome with a tremendous amount of shame for what he was about to do – what he wants to do to her. He just can't seem to bring himself to do it.

"To do what? Whatever it is, please, let me go there with you." Angela begs as she runs her hands up his chest and wraps her legs around his waist.

"It's not that-"

"Then what is it?"

"Go on, tell her." Ciel jibes silently from the other side of the door.

"It's just that I can't here." Sebastian moves out of her grip and stands by the window. Dumbstruck and embarrassed, Angela instantly stands and clasps her coat tightly around her body.

"S-Sebastian, I'm-" Her eyes start to tear.

"It's fine Angie, let's just go home, all right?" He still refuses to look at her. Angela starts to quickly button her coat as Sebastian goes over to his closet to get his coat so they can leave.

"It was a nice try but didn't I tell you? _He isn't yours_." Ciel whispers quietly. He knows Angela couldn't have heard him but he hopes she would be thinking it – he hopes she knows it.

He straightens himself up from off the door, keeping his back to it. He runs a hand through his hair and a mordant smile traces his lips as he starts to walk away and down the hall.


End file.
